Hello world!

lol..this is my 1st time blogging and honestly can say I have nooo idea what I’m doing here. All I now is that I want to be here!

So world don’t take it personal if I offend, disturb or just sicken you with the attempt to allow you to view things from up on the hill.

In reality I look forward to making you smile (fingers cross), as well as myself…things look funny from up here…heh..heh…

Oh, and if anyone has any suggestions or comments, please share cause I’m as lost as I am when people send me directions on how to get somewhere!

So much for an intro..

See I’m already screwing up…ain’t I?

Someone Like You

Well….here I am again.

Life has been OK lately, new job, new windows of opputunity…etc…

Till last night.

It started about seven months ago. When an ol’ HS classmate sent me a friend request on FB. After letting her know that I didn’t remember her at all. We still became friends. A few weeks came and left. Later I found myself on a date with her in Anaheim. For me though it seemed more of a get together type of thing. Seriously…I didn’t think much of it, but as it turned out…it became one of the best get together I’ve ever experience.

That night we talked and talked…and talked. We talked for what seemed forever before we finally ordered our food! We hit it off right from the start.

From here on I will write in past terms, due to a very sad ending to this relationship.

Someone Like You has evaded my life for so long and when you finally came, you left so soon. Your smile and beautiful brown eyes now elude my mind since you been gone. Thoughts race through my head faster than I can think them. Whenever memories of the two of us come about, I exhale heavily to avoid the tears coming out. So where did I go wrong? I know it’s me and not you. You’re a great human being, a good friend and a good lover. You were hear for only a season and left  me wanting more. I miss my friend. It’s not fair that you were put in to my life for just a short period of time. I never thought I’d ever meet Someone Like You in my life! Ever! You have a great personality and smile, which are two traits I cared so much of you. I can only imagine how far you will go in life, with your son as well. I admire your bravery to let go and move on, because trust me I’m not doing good since you been gone. Maybe one day you can reach me and tell me how good life has been? because Someone Like You deserves happiness in their life. I’ll always keep your health and family in prayer with me. I miss you and love you.

Lennon’s “In My Life” sums it all.

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more      – John Lennon

 

My worst feeling, is not knowing what I did to her. Yesterday morning was suppose to be another great day together with her son. And my dumb ass got drunk and basically blacked-out. This is very sad to say on my part. I must have said or done something horrible to her, for her to just cold turkey walk out of our life’s. I don’t think I’ll ever know, since she is choosing to ignore me completely. And I’m not going to pursue  her, because I don’t want to do what she already has told me not to do. One thing is for sure, I need help. I have an alcohol problem.

I’ve often told those close to me about my problem. Often many of them laughing away at the thought, or some even discrediting my thought in order to make me feel better. Well I’m tired of it! I hate it, I hate my belly, I hate not remembering the night before and just like yesterday, I hate loosing those close to me. I’m taking this very serious and like if it was a disease.

Wasting no time, I’ve already taken steps towards reaching success in this matter. First, I talked to my family and apologized for my wrong doing. Second, I called an ol’ friend of mine to help with the situation straight on, he’s been sober for more than 15 yrs. and introduced me today to a group which I didn’t mind being there at all. My third step will be to take it a day at a time. I cannot have a repeat of last night, I simply can’t. My heart, I care about and can’t do this again to it. I’m thinking of writing down my progress on here. Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh about my drinking problem.

As for my lost friend, well…I know she’ll be happy in the future. I just wished I could have been there with her. She will always be an incredible LOVE in my life.

Someone like her only comes once a lifetime.

The Gates Of Babylon

The Gates Of Babylon

 Recognize me! down and under, the man! who once ruled with a force! greater than a thunderstorm! I was! born an Angel, then I took! matters! in to my own hand. Blazed in fire! thrown from the heavenly skies… I! shall reclaim! my place in this world. Vengeance is mine!

 Though you’ve never step foot! in this place, I can promise you all that you’ve ever desire. Call upon me!, and I shall! help push through the gates of babylon!

 ”I shall! never proclaim you as my king! Cast down! from above! I shall finish the job!, that was never done here on Earth by nobody else! Die!… Die with my sins and my bad habbits! I shall overcome! Close down the gates, burn it down!”

 You can’t stop what has begun! Your soul is mine! Enter the path!

 ”No!”

 My place! is here in hell! With this heavy burden upon myself. The day will come!, when I shall return!

 ”You Lie!”

 ”I shall! never proclaim you as my king! Cast down! from above! I shall finish the job!, that was never done here on Earth by nobody else! Die!… Die with my sins and my bad habbits! I shall overcome! Close down the gates, burn it down!”

 The gates burning so deep, the downfall of a million years of master minding, have come to an end! The dark one has lost the battle! But shall win the war! I am one with all the wicked children in the world! Feel the power! of the wicked one!

“I won’t let you be! I will not allow it! Be gone Evil! Out of my mind and flesh! This I hold sacred”

Diminish My Own

Be-little me?!

 

So you think that just because of my race and status, you can say that I’m a piece of shit!

 

Against all odds?

 

I still rise to the occasion! Regardless of my situation. My God will not let me fall to the depths of hell…

 

God forgive me for my bad habits.

 

A few years ago I found myself wondering who or what diminishes my own? Many point the finger on the most obvious, myself! For putting myself in the current situation I’m in. Yet I’m remembered that it takes two to tango, but why is it that the male gets the shitty end of the stick? I know women have it bad as well after a divorce too! Especially when theirs kids involved. I mean come on! Their are still many great men out there, that like myself had the unfortunate luck or decision making that just went wrong! But we all make mistakes, were not perfect.

 

Many people share the same thought processing I possessed, while others pre-judge me or us based on our past.

 

Our past is just like I said..Our past! No one should ever be judge by it. Be cautious about people putting a front? Yes, but don’t be so hard on a man for honestly trying to do some or all good. After all some of us can change.

 

I’ve learned now though, that you can’t wait on people to trust you. Or believe in you. It is us, the ones out to prove them wrong, that just has to go out there and just do it! Brothers and sisters will always be there for you, as well as many good friends, but you can’t simply rely on them to make a difference in your life.

 

Take the chains of me and those who you’ve doubted for oh so long. Let our actions speak louder than our words. Blessed by the lord himself, nothing shall be un-attainable.

 

I’m still figuring out my options at the age of 27. I know time is ticking and I will soon make a move. Which I know will drastically change the course of my family’s life. But I also know with the power of Jesus and the Lord himself, I shall not fail…

 

And Life, I’m sure is still not done throwing curve balls at me. But whatever comes my way, I will endure the tests of His prophecy and shall not question His fate for me. Since it already has been written and shall be done. I will carry about my daily Life. Until the day I am with Him.

 

Don’t be a hater be a congratulater.

One Of The Happiest Days Of My Life!

Mark it on your calendar, June 21^st  one of the happiest days of my life! I waited nearly 28 years for this day to finally come, and it has arrived.

On this day, I met my family…

My Mum’s side of the family has always lived for the major part in Mexico, while an aunt in Illinois is all I really know about (hardly). I last saw my mum’s side nearly 12 or 13 years ago. Plans of eventually visiting them in the near future are in the works. They don’t have any of visiting me.

Now, don’t get me wrong I love them all, but the fact that it’s been real hard for my family in Mexico and I to coordinate such a re-union, it almost seemed destined for failure. Given the reason as to why my sister and I never were raised around family. We didn’t have any around! Even though this great distance have not kept us away from one another, I still send them money when I can, an occasional call from time to time suffices, for now…

Now, as far as my Dad’s side is concerned, we never co-live with any of them except for one Uncle. My Uncle Nestor met both me and my sister since we were born, always in the mix. He is in many ways the opposite of the father that walked out on us many years ago. He is all you ever ask for in an Uncle and more. He is the oldest brother of a family of 8. He is also the only one of the 8 who doesn’t talk to anyone of the family (his brothers) even his own Mum.

When my sister and I were just some kids, we never thought much of family. The few that surrounded us we thought was our entire family. But as we grew, so did the questions.

We never asked our Uncle’s opinion on our Dad’s side, simply because we thought it be not to reliable. (Go figure huh?). My Mum told us many times that my Dad drove away all of the family when we were young, and is ultimately the reason for their early departure from us.

Now this is my reason for me not searching for them these last years as an adult.

My Father had left when I was nearly 12 or 13; I’m going on 28 now! Where were they these last…oh some 15 years!

Theirs very much emotion when I talk about family, because I would not abandon no one from my family ever! I’m huge on family! Family is everything to me!

But…

In life, you need to forgive and move on. If you can not understand that or learn from it, you will never be able to enjoy happiness day in day out.

And so…

I forgave, and now have a complete family. Truly, one of the happiest days in My Life.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend

You are one of my best friends I have. Your smile is always a pleasant sight to look forward to. You’ve smiled many times, cried and even shared your hopes and thoughts and lows with me. I am truly blessed to have seen you mature in to this wonderful person that you have become in recent years. Your latest ventures can only predict the great outcomes that are yet to arrive in your life. Your lil ‘one is an exact reflection of your sweet delight in which everyone basks in it. Your name will one day echo in others memories for all the great you’ve done and accomplish in your life. Continue to be kind and sweet to others and they will always return the favor back to you.

You’ll always have a special place in my heart…and forever special memories will come in to mind when certain songs are played on the radio. You will always be forever young in my life.

 That was not hard at all, i meant word per word, but why is it I can never share my thoughts with you in person. I have a hard time even talking to you face to face. Everyone knows the social butterfly that I am, but with you I can’t seem to get it right.

You don’t make me nervous, I am not scared of you…your beautiful! So what is it? I can’t put my finger on it. It’s not like it was like this all the time, you know?, we laughed and talk many a times. So why now all of a sudden?

Is it even me? Maybe I’m not the one that’s change…Maybe your the one whose change a bit… :p

The only thing I can actually pin-point this “acting weird attitude in person” close to is… The time you sent me those awful messages of how I wasn’t anything to you anymore, and a complete list of other things I rather not recall. I know you had your reasons as well as my own. I think that is as close to coming up with a reason for the recent behaivor, but “I ain’t mad at ya”…I got nothing but love for you.

“I use to know you, where did you go. I use to Love you, but the love is gone. I’m looking through you, your not the same” - John Lennon and Paul McCartney 1964

Like I said above, you are an incredible human and friend. I will always care, respect and encourage you for the rest of my life. I hope this helps ME in anyway! Missing you always,

Your Friend for Life

- Certain things in life are hard to understand, most aren’t though. Theirs always a reason to everything. You sometimes need though to talk to someone, write it down or simply yell it out till it comes out!..lol

Regardless of the course of action one takes, it’s us ultimately that define the life we choose to live. So rather then be bitter at people or hold back from what’s really bothering you, find a way to get your point across to that other person or persons..you will feel better afterwards.

As for me and my friend, well I hope this helps us better each other.

Live and learn.

Memories That Haunt Me, They Follow Me Till The Day I Die pt.1

A few years ago in front of my family…

I collapsed to the ground.

I had been awake for more than 5 days straight, hardly eating anything at all, water was my best friend. My mom still does not know how she picked me up and put me in the car. We drove to the closest ER we could find. Time was running out…

With a cop right behind us (mom was speeding), I had just made it on time.

Five days ago

I had a wonderful day at my shop where I use to sell and fix computers. I had sold on that one day 4 custom desktop computers. I had generated nearly $3,500 in a matter of 3 days. Keep in mind these were all custom computers yet to be build. The pressure was on, but I had no means of letting it get the best of me.

It was around the time, when I had met up with a friend that was very much in to Meth. Knowing I had all this work to do and the effects of Meth (keeping you up for longperiods of time), I decided to buy some. I’ve been a user for about a year by this time. Nothing new, just the usual.

The first two days were fine, I got high and worked all day and night on building these computers. I swear nobody was able to tell the difference between the normal and paranoid version of me. They all assumed I was very busy, as I always were.

On the third day, I caught myself a few times behaving very paranoid at nights. I would see shadows of people and later on of other things that were scary at the time! I was tripping out. Later on that night I slept for maybe 2 or 3 hours.

Locking myself in the bathroom for what appeared to be 2 hours or so, I finally had let myself out! I was smoking and smoking as much as possible with the water running. The effects were kicking in, I felt like I had felt the first two days! Let’s roll!

It was on the 5th day, when I had just came out of the bathroom, that I found myself arguing with my mom about why I had taken so long in the bathroom and why I haven’t been sleeping lately. She was growing a lot of suspicion and decided to confront me about it. BAD timing! My heart starting beating at a very accelerated pace, too fast that I couldn’t control myself, I started hyperventilating, sweating and growing very fatigue. I was “OD ‘ng”. Grabbing my chest, as if I was trying to rip open my skin to calm down the tedious beating of my heart, I first fell on one knee and soon the other. My mom realized what was going on, dropped what she was doing and rushed over to me. My last words were “I’m sorry and I love you”

When I woke up, I was still high, but not on Meth, on whatever other drug the Doc put in me to calm my symptoms down. It was like some truth serum or something, because all I can remember saying to myself was ” why the hell am I confessing to my family about using drugs!”

Meth is a hell of a drug! I do not wish anyone ever to attempt to use it. Many who do, never sober up again! Very true! Believe me! I hit rock bottom before I straighten out. (which I will discuss in the future about “The Great Payback”)

I can go on, but the reality was that I didn’t learn my lesson that day. People can be so stupid when using drugs. You don’t think of no one else but yourself and your high. Meth ruined a few years of my life (2), but in reality I’ve had to payback (financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually) for the last 3 years or so after I stopped getting high! What goes around comes around kid.

Thank you God for placing everyone in my life in their correct places and for allowing me to see things clearly. I am forever in your debt…

Visions

This was meant to be more of a happy blog experience for me, but lately I’ve noticed that my posts are more about the sad times in my life. I document this on line for the reason that if it helps someone else, it was worth it. I also want my daughter (when appropriate) to read and understand some aspects of life in general, and hopefully be able to let her understand more of how a man as myself overcame down falls as well as happiness too. ”The Man On The Hill” Soooo…

Life perfected by a quest to pursue and achieve goals -

Redirected by strange downfalls that appear to bring down your entire world. Pushing them to the side with the strength of others, but the man above, my guidance and overall true friend contends to those who stand in my way. It’s been hard and crucial moments and decisions keep coming up in my life. Destined for failure? I will not admit defeat without a fight, and even through all my pain and suffering that I’ve gone through…

I still believe that God has better days ahead for me and my loved ones. In many ways it almost seems, like they teach you in church, to put your trust with Him, and he will open doors for you. You must be the one willing to go through them though. You set aside all my struggles in life, and I can honestly say that I am very blessed.

My health, my families health and life! What more can I ask for?

That’s why I’ve always said to myself “when I die, do not cry, thrive! for I am with Him!” My last wish would be not a funeral, but a party to celebrate, me finally alongside my one true friend (seriously this is my last wish).

Anyhoot!

Ever felt someone was behind you, but as soon as you turn their gone? yeah, not those visions….

Similar to Dejavu, only frighting…

I’m not a gullable person…I have a hard time believing things. Usually I require Proof in order to get my attention.

What happens though when visions appear in front of your eyes and in a blink of an eye their gone? What happens when you blink…and it’s still there? I ain’t eating mushrooms or getting high off fumes..lol. I do have a troubled past though. Which I now believe has something to do with it…

Here’s a few examples of some of my visions I’ve had:

The Car,

While driving, I’ve had instant visions of me flipping my car over several times on the freeway. I can honestly feel the pain of my life exiting out of my body, and thinking of my love ones as I take my final breath of air. It happens in a matter of 3 seconds and then I’m back to myself.

The Man standing in front of my window,

This is a more recent one, getting ready to go to sleep, my blinds are close but yet  I see a man standing outside..peeking through at times. That’s why I sleep with my blinds open..this man though resembles in many ways to my Father. Which I think because of his early departure from my life, has resulted in a inadvertent search for him.

Happy Home,

Picture a man walking in to your home, grabbing a hold of your love ones and doing what only you can imagine happens in the movies, I feel scared about someone hurting my family or friends.

I guess when you really think about it, thoughts like these race through everyone’sminds ever so often and is only created in your mind from the state of  how you feel at the time. I don’t see many visions anymore though, I feel I’m OK with everyone right now and probably is the reason for that.

Still I wonder…

What happens when you see your grandfather you’ve never met before, floating! some 19′ ft away from you! upstairs on the 12th floor by yourself! yeah,

freak-ish!

My Mum once told me about that vision!

ayayay

Before I Forget!

Over the weekend my Mom “organized” a small family get together at the house. My grama from my dads side came over to visit, surprisingly she brought with her two of her sons, my uncles, my dads brothers.

I haven’t had any conversation with anyone from my dads side in many years. They never looked for us when we were growing up. They claim it was because of my dads ways, but never appeared after my Mom had left my dad. Sooooo…

It was shockingly interesting to have them over at the house. We talked, we laughed, we had a great time. They told me about how BIG the family is and that with my attitude I should take on the task of trying to organize family reunions! HA! This is great! I love family and can’t wait to meet the rest of my cousins and uncles out there!

I was also informed that I am the oldest cousin of the family! That’s sooo cool but sucks cause that means I am the oldest! I don’t like being the oldest!

Etaine’s Championship Game

12 weeks ago Etaine’s mom and I signed up our daughter for girls fast pitch softball.

13 weeks later We (especially me) stand very proud of Etaine for her hard work and effort she put in to her team..The Junkyard Dawgs

Slugging pctg: she placed 3rd

I already miss the extra practices we had on our own on Sundays with my little brother, David. I was very proud of myself  for helping her develop her swing and helping her achieve the success she had on the field…not taking anything from the coaches, they did their part.

I’m happy to say, that Etaine has made it her choice to continue practicing during the off season in an attempt for her to be ready and better next season. I think that’s great!

A lot of support from some very close friends were able to attend the BIG game. I’m happy everyone went and was able to share that wonderful experience I went through.

Well needless to say they won the championship game this last Sunday, 21 – 17…

It’s Happening Again….

So often do I curse the dreaded seeds planted by our elders

I wonder if the white kid next to me is feeling pressure like the others

While colors seem to be the subject at hand, the plan to bring down a whole fam-ily was critical

Still it’s hypocritical to preach that our government cares of us, though crack baby’s still live among us

And I know, it’s us doing the killing out here, but the system puts enough in to it, to make sure the weapons are hear

Preach what you feel, the children don’t fear as long as you paint the picture clear

Dear Lord let it be known for ages to come that the dreaded seeds planted in the minds of our young, have been washed out beat ed and done, deceive our lil’ ones nevermore

The power of three comes to us and lives among us stronger than before

Oh my Lord! come to us in any color or form, give us what we need!

Quote me as PAC

- My adversary’s bleed!

My enemies caught from behind while their coked up and weeded -

though not defeated

Forever young like Bob Dylan,

Learning, the higher you achieve, the longer the road becomes

Blessed by the damn and feared by no man

It’s happening again….

duuuuuuh