Potential is of the matter…my heart and mind feel the peace but strength is supposed to come from inside and it’s just not coming out for me. So I stress on a day by day basis thinking of what I should do now, because after all…I can’t do anything about the past anymore.

Confessions of an addict…

I think now to the days of the aftermath left behind when I was on a rampage…those I hurt and those I betrayed. However I remember the lesson I learned one day after walking for 22+ miles at night..just to come to sleep on a bench at a park.

Never bite the hand that feeds you.

Sleeping on that bench on a cold night was not the best but the worst part was when someone ran right by me and took my shoes right off my feet! I couldn’t believe it! By the time I got up from the bench the guy was rounding the corner…too late…I walked home that same morning bare foot and all to apologize to my Mums.

That morning seems almost like a blurred image…I had been sober for a week now. We talked for about an hour, confessing to her about my addiction and apologizing for my mishaps..she accepted and I was welcomed back in to the family.

The next month and a half was a trial by jury, meaning I needed to confront my demons and those I had burned. Over the next two months I was in the clear. The next step in My Life was to get a job…coming back from the streets I came back with nothing. So I knew I would have to start from the ground up. That winter I worked at the nearby car wash for a period of two months. Earning an honest living was not new to me, but it was for me during this time. So it felt weird but good. I saved around $500 in a period of two months.

I was ready to move to the next level, to a level where Americans live in on a constant basis trying to impress the Boss, and when you finally get that break you deserve..he takes credit and leaves you the crumbs. Sooner than later, dumb ass co-workers with no life, inspired to mess up everyone’s life because they are un happy with theirs…decide its time to mess up yours..or in their own words “put a little excitement in your life” yes…I am talking about no other than our very own fellow…

Corporate America

Unfortunate for me was that I did not have a car, so I did what any regular guy would do in the hood…

I reached out to a drug dealer.

That drug dealer turned out to be an ol friend I grew up with, we hadn’t seen each other in quite some time. That was until I bumped in to him at the grocery store. Now my bud had heard stories about what had happened to me, so as I described to him what had happened..as I did in the first part of this memoir. He was shocked to come find out that it was true…needless to say he was also happy to see me doing good and was more than willing to lend a hand as other drug dealers are so eager to do as well.

That’s when I bought my first car…Wolfie..a beatdown but driveable car…it was my first step in the direction I needed to go to. This can go on for many pages but I’ll save the drama for another rainy day..

So I made my move and played my cards right…so now it seems as if everything is finally taking its place..

In My Life

It’s amazing how love travels with you. I’m a sucker for thinking that you would give us the opportunity. Your smile is very deceiving, and you always say to give it time and wait to see how things unfold. I would stay down for you, but your making this so difficult for me. Do I sit and wait? You tell me not to at times, but what if your ready and I’m not? What then? Nah, if you and I are to be…we both need to commit. So now that you tell me to wait and give it time, you act the same way as before. What gives? You should know how much you mean to me by now. I care for you very much. I remember our good times as much as the bad ones too, but maybe? I mean…I was only thinking that maybe we could bring it back to life? We can’t do anything if we both don’t try though. Thoughts race thru my head, mixed with feelings in my heart, that drive me crazy. So I begin…

I’m sorry,

I can’t work on this by myself. Since I don’t have you in my life, its easier to say goodbye. It’s like I was in a relationship with myself, because I know you don’t dwell like I do on a regular basis. So I choose to say goodbye to the one I miss a lot, but knew oh so little of. May your life be complete with those around you, share many laughs and enjoy life to the fullest! The most precious times and smiles I shared with you. I will search for…love happiness and laughter in other places for now. I regret to think of what could have been, but its too late now. If I ever made you jealous I apologize. If ever made you cry, I apologize. If I ever made you hope only to disappoint, I apologize.

Ever since I know you, I’ve tried to do the best I can, I know you don’t realize how much I care for you. I tried…I seriously did. You might not be so easily impressed with my effort baby, but shit…I did the best I could with the cards that were delt to me. It’s not like I should have gone and stalk you at work or drag you from your house or something, right? So I tried to get you involved in My Life as much as I could, you just didn’t dive with me.

For many of us true love comes by only once, many of the times slipping right by us…one thing for sure is that you can’t loose hope for better days. They will come, to the two of us. I know there are hard times in our lives, and uncertainty always grows…but beneath it all just remember I will always love you in My Life.

Apologies,

TheManOnTheHill

I miss you…I know I just met you recently, but I miss you. I can’t stay away…Maybe today I will see you for a little while? Sometimes the time between us, I dread. For what is it when we spend a few hours together?, when I rather spend My Life with you. Believe the truth and honesty I now speak. Times are hard without you. You always make me smile, and is one reason why I like you so much to be with me at all times. Your worth this very long time that I’ve waited for me to come have met you. I think you feel the same way too, but can we slow it down more than it already is? I sometimes sit and analyze the situation, why can’t it be much more simple. I love simple, simple is great! On the very same day I met you, I would of gone off and marry you. All of the moments and all of the smiles I appreciate from you. Love! All of my love I want to give to you, so please allow me to give all of myself to you…

Love…never knew what I was missing, but I knew once we start kissing I found…You
- Keysha Coles

It’s these beautiful Saturday mornings that I cherish oh so much! Getting up at 630 in the morning to my little princess. Waking her up slowly, by singing her favorite Beatles song, Michelle. Of course I switch the names around from Michelle to Etaine. She loves that.

After we finally get up, its time to get dressed for our Saturday morning softball game at Mile Square park. This is her second year and is part of the Black Widows team. I cherish these years so much. After all she isn’t always going to be this age. She always has me make her favorite breakfast….egg sandwich and don’t even try to make it for her because in her own words: “Daddy makes the best egg sandwiches!”.

So now that we are ready, off to the park we go. It’s a windy Saturday morning, which makes it interesting for the fans but great for the players. Their warming up. They haven’t had too much success this year as the year before, going un defeated. One thing for sure though is that they are having fun. Thirty minutes till batter up. The coaches are giving their last-minute instructions and the girls seem to be pitting on their game faces on. Etaine is good with her glove but is struggling with the bat. That is why she and I have been putting extra time with her batting. She is still though a power slugger.

They lose the game 4 – 8, but are still smiling. They give the game ball away to one of her team mates who stood out the most during the game. Till now she hasn’t receive one..yet. Her day will come though, I can’t hardly wait!…

Well off to the house and BBQ after a great time Saturday morning at the park, the princess in MY Life.

I love Saturday

Oh yeah I almost forgot…check it out! \\m// \\m//

The new addition to the family

Whenever I remember the days growing up in life, I like to take two steps back and look back at all that has happen in My Life. Sometimes laughing at the past experiences seem to be the only sane thing to do! Many episodes like the times growing up in the early 90′s crack me up now.

In Jr. High…I was known for starting up a small crowd who were basically the opposite of the prep kids. We were a bad group of kids. On any given day we would start an altercation with the other prep kids…it drove the principle crazy! One day one of our own turned on me. I can’t even remember why! Well it finally came down to a nice sunny day, when we both decided to finally set things straight.

We met down by a river damn…by this time the whole school had found out about the fight. Sooooo there were many spectators. I’ll make this very short.

I got my ass kicked…hard….well not so hard but I did get my ass kicked!

You would think I learned my lesson…but nope. I didn’t. Since I wasn’t really bruised, black eye or anything. I decided to call a re-match. ummmm yeah, I got my ass kicked a second time! Again though, nothing on the face no bruises of any sort. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really faze me? We were friends within a week again.

On another occasion, I remember having a huge crush on a girl. Well when it finally came. I asked her out and said yes! Well being my first time ever asking a girl out at school, I never talked to her ever again! I completely ignored her! She as well as I was very confused. She knew how much I was attracted to her. I was very shy. C’mon I was a sixth grader! Weird enough was the fact that I was the one always setting up my friends up with the girls, seriously! The girls knew to get to them they would have to talk to me first!..lol incredible how we mature from this stage of our lives!

As an adult, the times of me looking for a girl to hang out with, led to many funny stories. But one that I remember, or think I remember, yes…I was drunk! All I ever remember was 16, when my friends and I were invited to a sweet 16 party. I was attracted to the girl who was being celebrated. Well long story short, we ended up sneaking to my friends van and in the middle of some explicit situations (ill let your imagination fill this part in) the sister finds us! I guess everyone was looking for the girl of the hour, and she was busy doing her thang! Well her sister flipped out and ran back to the house, as we staggered to get dressed, here she comes running at me with a butcher’s knife! Swinging at me! And yelling at me!…It was time to go. I walked a block before my friends picked me up. I never heard from her ever again…we all had a good laugh afterwards though. Ayayayayay….

Sitting back looking at things from up on the hill reminds me that we sometimes make mistakes or have to lean things the hard way. For the most important lesson though is to actually learn from your mistakes and not let them repeat themselves over and over again.

“One time, shame on you. Two times, shame on me” – unknown

I’m glad I’m still alive to write about some of these times in My Life.

I can’t stay away, can’t get away from you. When I think to myself I’ve moved on farther than before…I’m back for more. One day I woke up thinking to myself how lucky I am to have met you. Very fortunate to call you a friend of mine. Your so beautiful and the sound of your name always makes me smile so much! Happiness! I love the way you like to live! So much has happen between us that it is very sweet and delighting to know that we still are close. Driven by cause we live apart from each other…for now. Yes I’m sincere when I sit here writing and thinking about my next move. I plan carefully rather than freely for wisdom and especially experience have taught me many valuable lessons. I know now to value those around me even more closer than before. Not that I never did before, I just simply see things in a different light.

“Don’t stop, get it..get it now” – Daz

Forgiveness is a matter of just saying your sorry, but why choose to say sorry? and rather not ” I wish”? at least then you have a purpose…a goal to try to reach?

It’s all rather a blur whenever I’ve spent time with you cause every second that goes by, it seems like I’ve been years away from you. Rather than pout and tus about not being able to see you as often as I wish too, I spend time at nights thinking of the short and small times we have spent together. All I ever wanted was to be with you on a daily basis. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe, if I’m not really the guy that makes you go googoogagga about…lol…but if I am…than you know what I’m talking about.

I can’t stay away, can’t get away from you. When I think to myself I’ve moved on farther than before…I’m back for more….

This site…is dedicated to MY LIFE.

I’m trying at this stage of life to grab complete control of my life. You say “huh?” Very simple, when you have a child from a previous relationship and still living at home with your parents…you kinda just go with the flow. That has been my problem as of lately, I can’t complain its easy…but I know in order for me to become a true man and set the example for my daughter I need to take things to the next level.

Enter the wisdom and patience stage of my life…

Growing up in life without a dad and being the young man of the house, much was expected from me.

” I was given this world, I didn’t make it ” – 2pac

Many lessons I never learned to what it is to be a man. Some lessons though I learned from other friends while most I learned and picked up from my elders and by reading books. Fathered by GOD was one of the most recent books I’ve read. In it, it specifies how many adult men are simply Kids walking around in Men’s bodies. I found myself thinking all this time I was already a man, truth of the mater is I’m nearly 1/4th of a real man. So by reading some literature and hanging out and speaking to my elders, I’ve realized I have much work ahead of myself.

Let’s get down to business!

Oh yeah..check out my new tatt..in the works..but hey!?..lol

See today was our last family meeting between the “Three” (Mum, Sis & Me), there were many concerns brought up during this family meeting.

1. My lil’ Sisters departure from the house, moving to the San Diego area to be closer with her boyfriend.

 This is a big one, see our house is divided in to a three way deal, which include the “Three” of us. Our original agreement was that if anyone was to leave, a sequence of meetings would have to take place to fully outline their “payout” and implications on the family as well.

Now that my Sis has shifted us in that direction (short notice), we had to move quickly. The ideal thing we came up with to do was to rent out the room. Luckily we have someone in mind ..@$650 a month, including bills, chores not included.

2. The current status of one our tenants.

Before I knew, my mum had rented one of the rooms in our house. To my surprise, and what a surprise!, she rented it out for a mere $200!!!, chores and bills included!!! The catch here was that the person living there, would only be there on the weekends. HELLO!!!…who cares?! The room is being occupied 7 days a week! I proposed a 1 1/2 month notice of a rent increase to $350, utilities included but not the chores. Still very low, I know, but we don’t want this tenant ass out either. Plus the notice is a great compensation on our part.

3. Mums bills are to high (causing lots of stress for her, not helping her condition)

Of the back, my sister and I agreed that paying a baby sitter for a merely 4hrs was a bad move. After quickly analyzing her scheduled time for work and mine, we noticed theirs a mere 20 minute delay from one of us being home with the kids! Suggestion was made for her to submit to her boss about her starting time to be 1/2hr later. Presto! Ill be home by then and can sit the kids for the two or three hours till their dad gets home. She saves $200 a week!

Sooo…here we go..lets do some math..

 Mortgage = 2250

Rent#1     -  650

Rent#2     -  350

My Rent    -  700

Kids Dad   -  500

My mums part = $50!!!!!!!!!

No more baby sitter, all her checks are basically savings for her! = LESS STRESS!!!

Plus she has help with chores from both tenants! She’s been asking about this for a long time. I also was elected to notify both tenants about the meeting. In other words, delivering the bad news…lol

3. Mums health

…

…

…

This is hard, money can’t resolve this. There isn’t  a pill one can take and be cure within a week or so. This is one of life’s hardest challenges. A real test of faith I think. To see a family member heading in a course of destruction is very hard to witness, especially when its mom were talking about here.

A very long conversation about my mums health followed. My mum told us that her doctor has diagnosed her with anemia. Treatable I believe but still dangerous. She also told us about an ulcer type of pain in her stomach, which makes it hard for her to work lately, she’s also on the verge of being a diabetic person too. Her eating habits have not changed and I suspect negligence on her part.

Now, I’ve made strides to stop my alcohol consumption, and for her not trying on her part hurts very much.

Mum, has been very influential in my life ever since dad disappeared many years ago. I can not imagine life without her in it. We cried for a while talking about this with her. Telling her how we would rather see her gone from natural causes and not being defeated from something so reversible like “eating habits” and a bad “lifestyle”.  We have to trust her that she will continue to make her regular doctor visits and help her with a better diet. Its amazing what we can accomplish with just a little communication.

Dear Lord,

 I know I haven’t been the best child of many, and I don’t want to make it seem like I come to you in only times of need. I am a believer of your will and know you know what’s best for everyone. I only pray that you take care of my loved one’s. Each and everyone of them. Those who I hardly remember and don’t. Help those who are lost souls who plot on making others miserable so that they may indulge in your purity and greatness. Give the strength to all of us who have set goals that we need to accomplish to be one step closer to you. To be in line with your teachings. Open our minds and eyes to view things in better perspective, so that we stay away from the devil and his dirty deeds. Bless us, your children to move forward despite life’s obstacles. Help us be strong and efficient soldiers for your kingdom to serve. In Jesus name

 Amen

Good Night Life…

 Recognize me! down and under, the man! who once ruled with a force! greater than a thunderstorm! I was! born an Angel, then I took! matters! in to my own hand. Blazed in fire! thrown from the heavenly skies… I! shall reclaim! my place in this world. Vengeance is mine!

 Though you’ve never step foot! in this place, I can promise you all that you’ve ever desire. Call upon me!, and I shall! help push through the gates of babylon!

 ”I shall! never proclaim you as my king! Cast down! from above! I shall finish the job!, that was never done here on Earth by nobody else! Die!… Die with my sins and my bad habbits! I shall overcome! Close down the gates, burn it down!”

 You can’t stop what has begun! Your soul is mine! Enter the path!

 ”No!”

 My place! is here in hell! With this heavy burden upon myself. The day will come!, when I shall return!

 ”You Lie!”

 ”I shall! never proclaim you as my king! Cast down! from above! I shall finish the job!, that was never done here on Earth by nobody else! Die!… Die with my sins and my bad habbits! I shall overcome! Close down the gates, burn it down!”

 The gates burning so deep, the downfall of a million years of master minding, have come to an end! The dark one has lost the battle! But shall win the war! I am one with all the wicked children in the world! Feel the power! of the wicked one!

“I won’t let you be! I will not allow it! Be gone Evil! Out of my mind and flesh! This I hold sacred”

So you think that just because of my race and status, you can say that I’m a piece of shit!

Against all odds?

I still rise to the occasion! Regardless of my situation. My God will not let me fall to the depths of hell…

God forgive me for my bad habits.

A few years ago I found myself wondering who or what diminishes my own? Many point the finger on the most obvious, myself! For putting myself in the current situation I’m in. Yet I’m remembered that it takes two to tango, but why is it that the male gets the shitty end of the stick? I know women have it bad as well after a divorce too! Especially when theirs kids involved. I mean come on! Their are still many great men out there, that like myself had the unfortunate luck or decision making that just went wrong! But we all make mistakes, were not perfect.

Many people share the same thought processing I possessed, while others pre-judge me or us based on our past.

Our past is just like I said..Our past! No one should ever be judge by it. Be cautious about people putting a front? Yes, but don’t be so hard on a man for honestly trying to do some or all good. After all some of us can change.

I’ve learned now though, that you can’t wait on people to trust you. Or believe in you. It is us, the ones out to prove them wrong, that just has to go out there and just do it! Brothers and sisters will always be there for you, as well as many good friends, but you can’t simply rely on them to make a difference in your life.

Take the chains of me and those who you’ve doubted for oh so long. Let our actions speak louder than our words. Blessed by the lord himself, nothing shall be un-attainable.

I’m still figuring out my options at the age of 27. I know time is ticking and I will soon make a move. Which I know will drastically change the course of my family’s life. But I also know with the power of Jesus and the Lord himself, I shall not fail…

And Life, I’m sure is still not done throwing curve balls at me. But whatever comes my way, I will endure the tests of His prophecy and shall not question His fate for me. Since it already has been written and shall be done. I will carry about my daily Life. Until the day I am with Him.

Don’t be a hater be a congratulater.